He First Loved Us, Tim Knipp, 2/16/14

He First Loved Us, Tim Knipp, 2/16/14

Dreaded emotions:
        shame & grief,
dogging
   our shadows -
elongating and twisting them
          into 
monsters under the bed:
        Invisible friends laugh
             as I tumble
                 downstairs.
       Stern adults line themselves
           before a fireplace
                united in
                    condemnation 
                       of my childish sin.

Love equals undeserved affection.
    Not that we loved Him,
          but He loved
          and sought us,
               flawed and prickly as we are.

Battered and bruised,
       I fought You and fight You still.
Yet, You love.
          You break my walls
             though I build them again 
  and again.
           I am lovely
              because You love
                 my broken arm and faded eyes.

Perfect love casts out rejection
        (or the fear thereof).
Though He slay me,
         yet will I stand,
              naked
                      and broken
       but lovely in His eyes.

Self-loathing leers
from the mirrors in others' eyes.
           To stand,
                revealed in the spotlight
                                              terrifies,
     So subterfuge and camouflage
             are daily donned.
                     Always on alert,
                          only safe when alone.
             Then the armor falls 
                    and loneliness descends 
               so I fall into the arms
                    of my false lover 
                      (food, alcohol, fill-in the blank)
           who batters me.
                         I cover,
                            fear discovery
                and flee -
                    running ragged
                        in the vicious 
         shame-fear cycle.

Down the rabbit-hole,
          where distortion
                 boggles perception,
                                              I fall.

The broken leading
        the broken
             in the dark.

        You wait
            in the dark,
                 for me to 
                          recognize 
                                 Your face.

1 John 4:7-21
Ch. 6 of Emotionally Healthy Spirituality

Tim Knipp, 1/26/14 Based on Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero Ch. 4

Who are you?

Tim Knipp, 1/26/14 Based on Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero Ch. 4

"Grant Lord, that I may know myself in order that I may know thee." Augustine

Purpose:
     what is the shape
of the empty space
I am 
    made
         to fill?

Socrates decreed: "Know thyself"
and 
         Shakespeare's Polonious
(flawed as he is)
     admonishes his son:
"to thine own self be true..."

Turn the spotlight inward.

(Genesis 3:7 - turn left)

Eyes opened, 
Adam and Eve's 
first response
was
     shame and fear.
Fig leaves sprouted
       to shadow themselves
from
    themselves.
Eyes averted, 
         they chose to hide
from their Creator.
 And I am
 their descendant.

God seeks.
We hide.
A never-ending
         children's game
with eternal
consequences.

Gen. 27
Deception twines itself
    around the truth
in Jacob's life.
The forced blessing -
"what is your name?"
Truth wrestled from the dawn
begins
   a new story.
      A new identity.

Roles
    are by nature
artificial.
Actors slide into another skin
that rubs against 
     their own with each line
and gesture.
         Masters of duality
but
it is a fiction.

(Right turn to John 6:14)

Miracles
seem proof
      of earthly kingship -
the pressure cooker builds
but Jesus sidesteps
       man's agendas,
knowing who He is
and
   why He came.

Love first.
The motivation matters -
eccentricity
is not the goal.
"Be angry and sin not."
Serve love,
not self -
           a balancing act
that takes practice

and risk.