He First Loved Us, Tim Knipp, 2/16/14

He First Loved Us, Tim Knipp, 2/16/14

Dreaded emotions:
        shame & grief,
dogging
   our shadows -
elongating and twisting them
          into 
monsters under the bed:
        Invisible friends laugh
             as I tumble
                 downstairs.
       Stern adults line themselves
           before a fireplace
                united in
                    condemnation 
                       of my childish sin.

Love equals undeserved affection.
    Not that we loved Him,
          but He loved
          and sought us,
               flawed and prickly as we are.

Battered and bruised,
       I fought You and fight You still.
Yet, You love.
          You break my walls
             though I build them again 
  and again.
           I am lovely
              because You love
                 my broken arm and faded eyes.

Perfect love casts out rejection
        (or the fear thereof).
Though He slay me,
         yet will I stand,
              naked
                      and broken
       but lovely in His eyes.

Self-loathing leers
from the mirrors in others' eyes.
           To stand,
                revealed in the spotlight
                                              terrifies,
     So subterfuge and camouflage
             are daily donned.
                     Always on alert,
                          only safe when alone.
             Then the armor falls 
                    and loneliness descends 
               so I fall into the arms
                    of my false lover 
                      (food, alcohol, fill-in the blank)
           who batters me.
                         I cover,
                            fear discovery
                and flee -
                    running ragged
                        in the vicious 
         shame-fear cycle.

Down the rabbit-hole,
          where distortion
                 boggles perception,
                                              I fall.

The broken leading
        the broken
             in the dark.

        You wait
            in the dark,
                 for me to 
                          recognize 
                                 Your face.

1 John 4:7-21
Ch. 6 of Emotionally Healthy Spirituality